(Warning: This post was published without proof reading, because it often leads to excessive self censoring.)
Avoidance, procrastination, call it what you will, I’m in exactly that frame of mind. I’m doing my best to increase only good habits in my life. You know, things like eating healthy, finding balance, getting enough sleep and exercise. But that’s why I am struggling with coming here to write. I can so easily throw it into the box of bad habits of too much social media and not enough real life time. That’s part of the reason I haven’t written any posts, but it is only part of my struggle.
I’m trying to sort out so much in life right now, that I am unsure what the necessary parts of it are. Those who don’t know me personally, don’t know the current limbo my husband and I are living in. It has been an ongoing world of unknown since September of 2018. I hadn’t set out to even discuss this part of my life in the blog post, yet here it is, at the forefront of my thoughts as I type. I guess if I’m going to be authentic, this part should be discussed.
You see, we sold our house back then, but had no particular place to move to. I won’t go through the entire journey to where we are now, as it is lengthy. But here is the short of it: We lived in a hotel in VA for a year, while I continued to take care of my grandsons. But in October of last year, we moved to North Carolina and have been living with our third oldest son and his wife. The goal is to settle down here in NC. That, too, is a long back story. Where we are now in this journey is part of why I struggle. I don’t want this limbo to be a wasted frame of time. It is the perfect time to do a life reset. And I am still trying to sort out what that looks like.
At the onset, my goal since moving to North Carolina is to become healthier, stronger, and to decrease my pain levels in order to increase my quality of life level. Since January, I feel like I have made some key changes in moving toward that direction. I am definitely making more time to roll out my yoga mat, I’m sticking to the eating healthy regimen while allowing treats here and there, I’m allowing my body to rest on days it requires it without feeling (too) guilty, I’m putting in long walks when I’m capable, and I have continued using my Plexus products to get my gut issues in check. All these are essential in moving toward making this my healthiest decade ever, but there is something missing. Purpose.
It was easy when my kids were still at home. They were my purpose. Then I went into blogging mode when we became empty-nesters, until the first grandson came along. He, and then later his two brothers, became my purpose. Physically, it became difficult. Mentally I was in despair, because the person I knew and thought I had become was dwindling away. I’m fighting back, but I don’t know where this all leads. I had hoped that a return to blogging would help me return to that part of me that I left somewhere back there in that heap of chronic pain.
Admittedly, it’s hard. It’s hard to not recognize yourself and to fight each day against what limitations your body and your energy impose upon it. I thought, and hoped, that writing would help me see my own progress and encourage others to persevere as well. And that hope hasn’t completely waned. However, I find it hard to show up here and feel there is anything worthy of writing and reading. I find it hard to plug into social media, when I feel so disconnected from myself. I have yet to come to grips with the fact that my writings won’t be all unicorns and rainbows like my writings at my blogging infancy. I couldn’t get to my laptop and sign into my WordPress account fast enough back then. Now, I allow my laptop to remain buried in its bag collecting dust in the corner of the room.
I know there is a joy in writing for me. At least, I remember it once feeling that way. But I feel such a disconnect to it now. Perhaps it is because I am dealing with the reality of what I can’t control. That’s a raw thing to share. There is no certainty that I will succeed. With that comes the realization it might not be helpful to others. And there is also the judgement that comes with making myself vulnerable. Sometimes I think I am not at a place to endure that. A few years ago, perhaps I would have been.
I guess I just need to tap into that person. The one who, eight years ago or so, was not swayed by those who wanted to peg her as something she wasn’t. I liked her. She had confidence. She felt worthy of good things in her life. She found happiness in the smallest of things. I was proud to know her.
I guess, in order to put my best foot forward, I just need to meet her here more often. To let her talk it out. To feel that vulnerability and take it in stride if confidence and self love wane. Maybe I’ll come back to it, then. That person and skin I felt comfortable in.
Nothing to lose at this point. But there is a life and a future I need to regain.