Fear and Flashbacks

On Monday I was helping my husband temporarily close in a wide doorway. He had just placed two 4 by 8 foot pieces of plywood in front of the doorway and had walked away to grab a skid to place in front of them to told hit. Meanwhile, I grabbed one nearby and was going to put it in place when I hear him shout “watch out!” I looked up just in time to see daylight coming through the door and get my arm up to block one of the pieces from hitting me in the head. In the next second, down came the second piece. The weight was too much for me to hold. Both pieces came down on my head and knocked me backwards. Luckily I fell into a an unfinished wing back chair, and while landing on it bruised my ribs and leg, it kept the plywood from crashing atop me and injuring me further. I’m battered, bruised, and sore, but luckily no broken bones.

I knew from experience, the initial pain was going to be a piece of cake. I had adrenaline to thank for that. The real struggle was going to be the days following. And sure enough, the following day, stiffness and pain ensued at a higher level. I’ve been doing all I can to take it easy and a reek of muscle rub.

When the incident happened, and it all was occurring in slow motion, my thought was “no, please! This can’t be happening again!” I actually laid sprawled over and in the chair carcass and felt like my struggle of 17 years was re-spawning me back to the beginning. I was in disbelief and utterly disappointed.

I’ve tried to rewire my thoughts and just stay in the here and now for the past 48 hours. But last night, I woke up to the pain increasing. Muscle spasms began. And here I was, mentally back to 2001 when I fell at work. Panic set it. I felt my heart quicken. “I’m repeating that pattern of pain that ultimately began the 17 years of declining health and chronic pain.” I can’t do this again.

And then I suddenly shook myself free of that thought. I began an inner dialogue with myself, a pep talk if you will…

“No, not only can’t you, but you won’t.”

“You will not be taking presciption meds to mask the pain”

“You will heal”

“You just need time”

“You will give it rest as needed and not take take prescription meds to push through and keep up with what you think the world expects of you.”

“You know and understand your limits.”

“You know your body better now than before.”

“There will be no injections”

“There will be no surgeries to ablate nerves”

“There will be no medicines to counter health issues caused by other medicines”

“You have life plans in place, places you want to visit, goals you want to meet.”

“You are in control.”

I will not deprive myself of climbing the steps of Machu Picchu one day.

I feel like I have taken 10 steps backwards after gaining 5 in the past 6 months. But this will not stop my momentum. To know that I now have all the proper tools, knowledge and experience at my disposal, allows me to be fully confident in that.

Just watch me. I didn’t develop all this willpower to be meek in my journey.

I. Will. Be. Well!